It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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