I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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