you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize