Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You did what with his pubic hair?
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