So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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