I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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