That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
