I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Randomize
