He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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