You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
