Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
