Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
this is an emotional support booty call
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
