I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
