How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
