I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
