Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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