don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
that may or may not have been my penis.
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