I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
