Operation Purity has been aborted
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
