so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
