so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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