I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize