When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
