Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
