my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Randomize
