So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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