Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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