I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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