I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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