happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just blew my weed a kiss
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
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