Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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