My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
