Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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