Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
