I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
