my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
