So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
