Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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