Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Then you guys just all showered together...?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
