before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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