my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
