I'm drive I can fine osifer
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
