I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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