So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
