I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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