you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
me + whiskey = a bad person
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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