i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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