Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
