I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
