I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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