Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
