dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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