pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
