When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
