2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
