I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize