New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
