be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
