Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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