ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
