I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize