I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize