I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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