Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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