I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
