There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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