I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
